Exhausted

Based on last nights post I should be doing something constructive. Instead, after a stressful day dealing with work stuff and an evening of not-so-easy parenting...all I can bring myself to do is sit. Surely this difficult stage will get better soon.

Super Mom - I Wish!

I have this vision of how I want things to be. It's a great vision in which I'm in the star, leading roll as the bestest, coolest, most awesome mom and wife ever! It goes like this...

I want to be...

• the mom who always stays calm and collected
• the mom that never loses her patience and screams like a mad woman
• the mom that fixes the healthy snacks and lunches - free of processed foods -- every day
• the mom that keeps the house clean
• the mom that has everything is organized and looking good
• the mom who keeps up with her blogging
• the mom that keeps up with the dishes
• the mom that can keep the garden growing something other than weeds
• the mom that has it all together and remembers to take a shower every day
• the mom that can stick to a healthy eating plan for more than a day and a half
• the mom that stays on top of meal planning and grocery shopping
• the mom that doesn't wear extra large yoga pants all the time
• the mom that doesn't put her hair in a pony tail everyday
• the mom that fits back into her old clothes
• the mom that volunteers for extra stuff
• the mom that isn't grumpy all the time
• the mom that doesn't get stuck on the internet when she should be doing all the above
• the mom that walks and exercises and looks great

What I am...

• the mom that is not calm and collected AT ALL
• the mom that looses it too much and yells
• the mom that decides the "breakfast" and "lunch" at school must be health enough or they wouldn't be able to serve it (yeah right!)
• the mom that can keep one room clean..maybe...for like...an hour
• the mom that isn't organized at all
• the mom who barely writes on her blog at all even though she wants to
• the mom that always seems to have dishes in the sink and a dishwasher to empty
• the mom that can't keep 1 plant alive for more than a week
• the mom that gives in to the junk food and fast food because well...its easier 
• the mom that doesn't plan the meals and do the shopping because the shopping trip today ended with leaving with no groceries...which then led to scream like a mad woman
• the mom that has "dress" sweats which are newer and less faded than the regular yoga pants
• the mom that is grumpy because after fighting about brushing teeth and brushing hair, and talking back, and being sassy, and doing homework, and cleaning your room...it's hard NOT to be grumpy
• the mom that is so tired from the day that all she can manage is surfing the web
• the mom that is so exhausted that nothing gets done after J's bedtime
• the mom that loves her daughter so very much that it breaks my heart that I can't be all the things I want to be for her!

I try to come up with good ways to stay on track...but then get side-tracked so easy. It's frustrating and overwhelming to say the least...but I know I must keep swimming. Just keep swimming. And hope that tomorrow it all falls into place more along the lines of the first list.

I left Jessica's softball game yesterday SOOOO frustrated because they should have won the game. But due to (in my judgmental opinion) some not so good base coaching they lost right at the end. And I had to console my crying daughter and explain to her that she did everything right...but was out just the same. 

And then...I got in the car to drive home and heard more reports of the bombings in Boston and I thought...you know what...the fact that they lost that game doesn't really matter in the big scheme of things. I thought about this family ... who has to let go of their son and had to make decisions about donating organs and how to explain to the little brother why his big brother wasn't coming home this time. And I was so very thankful that I had my sassy, frustrating, mini-me to hug tight and tuck into bed. I'm so very thankful that God has blessed me with Jessica and Chris and that I have the opportunity to be a wife and mom. And I'm reminded that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" and that I only have to remember to ask. And pray. And ask. And pray. And remember that I can't do it alone. 

So...I'm going to go tuck my baby girl in...and read some bedtime stories...and kiss her good night and tell her how much I love her. And when I wake up tomorrow it will be a new day...and a new chance to tackle a few things on the top list!

Remember...keep praying and keep swimming.

My How Time Flies

Today is April 4th and on Saturday April 6th, my "baby" girl turns 7. SEVEN! (She hates it when I call her baby. Even though I try to explain that doesn't mean she IS a baby, it means she'll always BE my baby.) I can hardly believe it's been 7 years. Everyone always says..."don't blink" and that the time goes by so fast. Which is certainly true. I feel like just yesterday Chris and I were watching TV while Jessica was growing inside me...and we were wondering what she would be like, who she would look like? Little did we know!

Jessica is my world. Watching her grow and learn and struggle is a blessing, wonderful, and heart wrenching...she IS my heart, walking around outside my body. I want to cherish every moment, and I do! But there are also times when she's being such a pain in the butt, that I want to scream (and occasionally do) and run and hide. I think this post by Momastary sums up the other side of "don't blink" very nicely. I know I have days like this for sure. Do you?

But on the flip side...we DO have to cherish every moment because they DO go by to fast. We always want to remember the "firsts." Oh my...she rolled over for the first time today! Or, oh...she took her first steps. But it's the "lasts" that we really need to remember. (I heard this once somewhere and can't for the life of me remember but it stuck with me!) The lasts. The last time she said "losh" instead of lotion after a bath. The last time she said "appy juice" instead of apple juice. The last time she snuggled close as I rocker her to sleep. The last time of "momma up." The last time she crawled instead of walked. The last time I changed her diaper or made that bottle of milk. Those are the moments we celebrate without even knowing. Those are the moments we morn because we never get them back...and don't realize they are gone until much too late. I just went back and opened a log I kept when Jessica was very little. It's a list of all kinds of "firsts" but I don't have a single "last."

What I did find, that I had completely forgotten I wrote, was this letter.

August 19, 2006 

Dear Jessica Faith,  

Words can’t begin to describe the love I feel for you. I have always been a very emotional person but that doesn't begin to describe the emotion I feel each day when I see you smile or you hug my neck or you just look into my eyes. I have waited my entire life – praying, hoping, and wishing for your daddy and you – and now you are here. You put such a smile in my heart each time I see you. 

You are such a good, happy baby. Don’t get me wrong – you have your occasional moments when you cry with all you have (usually because you are too sleepy and haven’t taken a good nap) and I usually end up crying with you trying to kiss all your tears away – but most of the time you just smile and giggle and make being your mommy such a wonderful easy job. 

I thank God each day for bringing you to me. I can’t wait to watch you as you grow and learn. We are going to have so much fun! Until then I’m going to continue to treasure every day and hold you and rock you and kiss you. I love you unconditionally with all that I have. Love,  Your Mommy

So, today...as I go through the day and time with Jessica I'm going to remember to cherish all the little moments...good and bad! I'm going to thank GOD that I have my little girl and that I'm her mom. I'm going to tell myself that her rotten, rotten mood and attitude from last night doesn't matter any more and that she didn't really mean the things she said and that today is a new day full of renewed spirit. I will enjoy my baby. Because I know all too well she'll be grown and gone before I know it. And I'll remember these moments...

My new baby girl! Jessica Faith

Leaving the hospital...

1 Year Old

2 Years Old

3 Years Old

4 Years Old

5 Years Old

6 Years Old